Author: Stax

that Fear of Falling

Funny – falling is no longer a big fear of mine really; the fear is now the effect of the fall.  Unfortunately, falling has become a part of my life…when i fall, i hope for a “good” fall – no injuries, no pain, nothing; I can laugh, get up and go on with my life.  Now, don’t get me wrong, of course i don’t want to fall and i always try to stop it from happening, but when it does, i brace myself and hope for the best!

The other day i was working out with Reggie, my personal trainer who’s really good with me and understands that i need extra help to get from here to there, most times.  He let me go for a brief second to go put away some weights and i felt myself starting to topple over.  A few loud noises/half screams and he was right there at my side, even though it turned out to be a false alarm and i was able to “catch” myself.

Nite before last, I said to G, as i was making my way up the 1st flight of stairs, “good thing we live in this house”…she didn’t understand because of course at the time i was actually making my way up the 1001 steps that we have.  I explained…the house in which we lived prior also had steps of course, but it’s the steps leading up to the house that would have been a bitch for me.  There were only about 6 and they were wide BUT there was no railing AND it was flanked by those prickly shrubs ON BOTH SIDES.  I have a vision in my head of falling off those steps and into the bush – the picker bush – ACK!!!  (it actually makes me feel a lil ill)

thank goodness it will never happen as i have absolutely no reason to ever go back to that house but…

Walking up and Down the Steps

i prefer to walk up or down 5000 steps than walk on any incline – regardless of how steep.  it’s just easier for me – i may take forever and of course it does a job on the legs but it’s easier – in my perfect world, everywhere would be FLAT!  i’ve mentioned before that i live in a 3 story townhouse; if i could have seen into the future, we would have bought a flat house, but say wha.  Normally, when i go down, i’m down to stay and when i go back up, i’m up to stay – there’s no climbing up and down the steps throughout the day.  My nightly routine is to put the next day’s tablets in my bag when i’m up in my room because forgetting the pills (UPSTAIRS on the 3rd floor) is NOT an option especially since i work on the ground floor.

Well yesterday morning, G and I were making breakfast (kitchen is in the middle), my alarm went off to take the 8am pills and i took the “thursday” container out of my bag and placed them on the table.  I sat down to eat breakfast and she left for work.  I picked up the container to take the pills and at that point, i realized that it was empty – it was the Wednesday container.  UGH!!!  Funnily enuf, i’d had a nagging feeling of something not being right on my mind as she was walking out; if i’d only known then what i eventually found out, i would have asked her to go for the pills.  For a fleeting moment, i thought about leaving them upstairs and suffering thru the day, but good sense prevailed and i decided to make the trek up to my bedroom.

i think the trek UP the steps then back DOWN again and DOWN to my office took me about 10 mins – ugh!!  and of course i was shaky for most of the day after that.  MS SUCKS!

Of course this morning, she took a quick glance in the container to make sure that there were pills in it.

Falling…again – as usual!

i’ve mentioned before that anytime i fall, i laugh hysterically…especially when i realize that it’s a “good fall” – no injuries, pain etc, jes a plain ole fall.  Is that normal?  is it smart?  maybe not, but it is what it is and that’s how i react.  not sure if it’s because i haven’t been in a completely embarrassing situation or what but it only occurred to me on Saturday nite that other people may not find the humour.

I was actually holding on to someone as we walked out of a house and quite frankly, i don’t even think that we were walking at that moment.  Not sure what happened, but i just started leaning and eventually fell and of course, i started laughing.  CQ, however, was lil mad that it happened “on his watch” – he wasn’t laughing!  i tried to tell him that it was okay – no worries; Lord knows that i fall all the time and am used to it, but he wasn’t hearing it.  The same thing happened a few weeks ago with another friend who was helping me with something…i kept falling and she kept saying, “she keeps laughing, but i really am trying to help.” I knew she was, but i probably wasn’t helping the situation by laughing like a jackass all the time.

  • Maybe deep down inside, i’m actually embarrassed and just need to deal with it so i do so by laughing?  who knows…
Maybe i need to rethink my reaction because it’s not always as funny to everyone else as it is to me…not making any promises on that right now, but it is something that i think i need to think about/be aware of.  I’m not going thru this alone, so i do have to take other people’s feelings into consideration.

Needing Assistance

I’ve mentioned sometime before that i will accept assistance even when i don’t need it sometimes.  I figure if someone offers to help me, i’ll take it.  There are times however, when i actually could do with a hand and will ask for it – ain’t no shame in my game (anymore) at those times.  It’s those times when that left leg gets so stiff that i just can’t bend it  (it’s amazing, but it happens) or if i feel really weak and just can’t move it on my own.  Oftentimes it will happen when i’m getting into or out of a car.  Getting in, I would plant my ass on the seat and then cannot swing my legs in – the other day, i discovered a way to “tuck and roll” into the car in those times – not very ladylike and only to be used when absolutely necessary.

So 1 day, we were going somewhere and K was driving.  She drives an Explorer – that thank goodness, unlike big black (J’s Tundra) has a step ladder so getting in is a breeze.  Well that day, no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t get in the car.  i could step up on the ladder, but not get in – try as i might, it jes wasn’t working- it was a while ago, i really don’t remember what was happening.  I asked her for help so she did but it made no difference, i still couldn’t get in.  A few seconds later, G come downstairs and seeing what was going on said, “K!  what u are doing is not going to do anything.  U have to take that leg and manhandle it, use some elbow grease and strength and force it to do what you need it to do.”  In 2 2s we were on our way…last week, a friend was visiting and again, i needed some help – same thing essentially happened.

G is used to me and my “issues”.  Others are aware of my situation but are not always involved with the kind of help i might need.  It’s always funny to us when we have to school people on the way to (man)handle me if necessary.  The good news is that i have no pain so using force is not going to break or hurt me and i don’t get embarrassed by what needs to be done, so we just get it done and be on our way.

No time to waste round here!

#17!

whoa!  time waits on NOONE!

I went for my 17th infusion on Friday – who woulda thunk it; I can’t believe it’s been that long.  It was a great one too – i got stuck only once, the blood GUSHED out of my vein (unlike the usual “molasses going UPhill”) and the medication took only 20 mins as opposed to an hour to flow into my body – go figure; i chalked it up as “just 1 of dem tings“.  I stayed a little longer than normal to be observed afterward because 20 mins was so out of the ordinary.

Anyhoo, so i normally see a doctor or a nurse practioner before going in for the infusion and 1 of the questions they always ask is how things have been in the past month and if i’ve noticed any new neurological symptoms (I CANNOT spell that word on the 1st try – EVER). so i told Beverly (the nurse practitioner) about my off and on bladder issues.  She asked me if it was new to me and i told her that it has happened before, but i never thought that it was MS related.  She confirmed for sure that it was and told me that if i was interested, there were drugs that could be prescribed to help.  Before i could say anything, she went on to tell me that the drugs prescribed sometimes can make it harder to pee for some patients.

now, i didn’t want the drugs in the 1st place but after she told me that, there was no way i was going to say yes.  What the?!?!?! can anyone tell me why it is that the drugs prescribed that will help one to pee all the way and completely empty the bladder will actually make it harder to pee at all?????  There is something wrong with that statement – it makes no kinda sense – AT ALL; not in any language!!!!  Who the hell are these researchers, drug manufacturers, scientists…boy would i like to have word with them!

Anyway, I asked beverly if my going along without doing anything is a problem and she said no – thank God.  As with everything MS related, I will keep an eye on it and if it starts getting worse or becoming a problem, i will deal with it then…no need getting my panties all in a bunch for nothing at this point.

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