Author: Stax

I’ve talked bout this before; the absolute worst thing (in my book) about having MS is all the unknowns.  Yesterday, I talked about life having no guarantees and the uncertainty of it, well MS has no guarantees either.  As i mentioned yesterday, I’ve heard of a few deaths and shit that just seemed to happen for no reason out of the blue and i guess i couldn’t help but become…a little reflective maybe?

Anyhoo, why the hell do i have MS?  i wish i knew.  Don’t get me wrong, i’m not lamenting or having a “woe is me” moment, i just really wished i knew why i have it.  I develop reference material at work and 1 of the things that we’ve adopted is including a “why” statement so that associates understand the need for what we ask them to do.  If someone knew why they are doing something, chances are they’ll be more likely to do it.  well, if i understood why i have MS, i’d be more likely to accept the fact that i have it.  I’d be able to link it to something that happened (maybe) way back when if u will.  Honestly, secretly, i believe that i have it because i contracted pneumonia as a child – i was somewhere between 10 and 13 (it was around carnival time too and i was so MAD because i had to stay at home instead of going to the stands to watch/lime – STEUPS!! and i think i remember seeing G and dem on TV too) – but what the hell do i know since i got my “medical degree” reading the internet!

Back to those uncertainties of MS, you jes never know day to day what it might/could throw ur way for u to deal with.  Every morning, i’m thankful that i wake up, can move and nothing’s changed overnight.  i don’t remember where i was flying to/from one time and an air-hostess asked me what was wrong.  when i told her about the MS, she told me that one morning her sister woke up and couldn’t move from the neck down.  she’d since recovered but how friggin scary must that have been for her!!

a few weeks ago, i asked G if from what she can see, does she think that i’ve deteriorated (my walking disability), she said no, but for some reason, i’ve convinced myself that i am getting worse.  Do i feel worse?  not really, but there’s just something…i can’t put my finger on it really but…

I don’t live in constant fear of what could happen, but the thought’s always there…at the back of my mind…lingering/chillin/hanging out…

P.S. thanks Heidi for those creative vibes, looks like i actually “caught” some of them 🙂

I havent been around for a while…it appears that i’m suffering from some kinda writer’s block or something.  I have a few “started” posts, but just haven’t been able to finish anything.

Within the past 2 months, i’ve been reminded of just how fragile life is and that things/people mustn’t be taken for granted, so just wanted to remind you out there that life has no guarantees; you just don’t know what tomorrow will bring – if it even ever comes.

I went into the MSCA for my monthly “fusion”/”juicing” session, #27!!! (time flies when u’re having “fun”)   While i was there, i tracked down the chick for whom i left the voicemail regarding the fundraiser event and discussed it with her.  She was very excited that i’d decided to do the event with them (over any other organisation) and thanked me many times.  I’m happy to be working with them – as i mentioned before, it really is my 2nd “Cheers”(where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad u came).  In fact when i went in on Friday there were a slew of new faces at the front desk and just for a quick minute, i was a lil upset because my normal folk weren’t there.  lol.  as it turns out, i will have to break in these new people because they are there to stay (people move on Stacey – get over it)…

anyhoo, i saw this older man there (i’ve seen him before).  in fact the last time i saw him, he appeared to be having problems swallowing; he was in much better shape this time around tho.  he’s in some type of electric wheelchair, but then on top of that, it appears that he can’t talk – now, this is all my observation – he just makes loud noises when he needs to get someone’s attention – is it the MS?  i haven’t a clue.  I learned later that his wife comes in with him.  She was standing around waiting on him and saw me walking past.  i wasn’t struggling at the time but clearly i don’t walk like everyone else so as i walked past, she said some encouraging words to me and then we started talking.  She didn’t get into a whole lot of details (she was telling me about some of his progression) but as the conversation went on, i couldn’t help but wonder if this is what is in store for me in the future – there just seemed to be similarities – his walking, problems with his hand.  I’m thinking his case is extreme and so far mine is not.  Admittedly, it was a fleeting thought but…

He was juicing up at the same time and at some point during the process, he started making the noise.  one of the nurses kept asking him different questions to determine what was making him so agitated but she just couldn’t get to the bottom of it.  Eventually, another came over to help and as it turns out his leg had extended too far out (he was sitting) and all he wanted was for them to bend it and bring it in closer to him.  I wasn’t close enuf to determine if under the noise he was actually saying 1 or 2 words for them to figure it out, but it must have been so frustrating for him trying get everyone on the same page.

Again, i don’t know if he only has MS or even if the MS is the cause of it all, but of course i couldn’t help but think that this disease is such a wretched, wretched disease.

this post is way overdue.  I’ve been meaning to write about this since the MS walk and never got around to it but now is as good a time as any because something else has come up to which the situations is related.

During the time leading up to the MS walk, i sent out emails for donations to raise money for my team.  Of course, i cyah get vex with anybody if they doh feel like donating – i send out the emails and hope for the best.  well i was talking with a friend (we’ll call him B) a few weeks before the walk and eventually the conversation came around to the walk itself and he said to me that he got the email, but he wasn’t going to donate.  i didn’t ask y (because again; u want to donate? cool…u don’t want to donate?  cool) but he went on to ask me just how much of the money would actually go to me or patients like me and i really couldn’t answer that.  he explained that he preferred to give money to  causes where he could actually “see his money at work” (so to speak) and not to those large societies, corporations etc that might sink the money into research, but the patients see no immediate, real benefit….


Jump to today


the Georgia Caribbean Culture (GCC) committee is going to be having a masquerade ball in my honour in November.  It’s going to be a benefit function to promote MS awareness and part of the proceeds will go to the MS Society of GA***wait, wait, wait…i remembered B and thought to myself (selfishly probably), “why should we give the money to the MS Society?  i would much rather if some of the proceeds go to the MSCA”  The place is my 3rd “Cheers”; i’m there every 4 weeks hanging out for 4 hrs “juicing” (term coined by G2), my neuro is there, they are a non-profit organisation and…i can go on.

I’ll feel much better working with them on this project than the society – this is my “home”…so i went to a meeting with GCC last nite and told them the new plan.  I left a msg for – who i think is the right – person at MSCA to make it happen (push comes to shove, i’ll be there on Friday to juice up).

so!  if u’re in the Atlata area on 11/17 and looking for a something to do, lemme know – it’s for s good cause 🙂

most certainly is a bitch!

Friday nite i made a joke about falls happening in 3s…u’ve heard about the old people saying death occurs in 3s right?  so it was a play on that.  well guess what happened!?!

those MS gods said, “eh heh…u have jokes??  well take dat!!” and I fell TWICE friday nite!!! ah shit!

they were “good” falls – nothing to write home about, but i’m now up to 11.